Love letter

Amidst all the boredom I've been experiencing at home, out came a surprise love letter! I guess I'm quite taken aback by this. Although I could already sense that she has feelings for me some time ago, I thought that if I don't treat her too good, don't take much initiatives and openly show my flaws, things could just go on for normal as I really feel quite comfortable of us being just friends. It isn't the first time a girl confessed to me, but I've never received it in a letter format and it's super long, mainly saying how good I am and all. However the more good she says about me, the more inferior I feel, I don't think I'm that good to deserve any of those praising. I guess I'm lucky in a way, being loved by people I met along the way, but not as lucky as to meet someone I feel mutually for and have that relationship last, that one true love just never seem to come by. Yeah, I do like her in certain ways but I'm not sure if it will eventually develop into love.

It all started when I got to know her online. There are quite a lot of common topics to share and she does have qualities I look for in a partner like being musically-inclined, enjoy the nature and the outdoors, being nice and always there when I needed someone to talk to or do something with, etc. We talked for many months but never really met, the reason being me getting tied down with school and also I felt the lack of confidence to face her. Then came my birthday and she played and sang "tian hei hei" for me, which she specially spent time learning, I was so touched then as I felt that it was a really sincere gift. That was the first time I sensed that she likes me, but I didn't give much thought to it as she's someone I've not even met.

When we finally met, it actually felt quite comfortable and not really awkward. Then I thought maybe she's the one I'm looking for and perhaps we could try dating first. So some of the places we went were of a more romantic setting. However, I felt that there's something missing, sure the places are romantic and beautiful, but not the moment. I don't feel the spark, the sweetness, the passion that's supposed to be present when you're in love. And that kinda feeling will even exist in the most boring places if she's the one. It was really quite disappointing as a nice girl like her is hard to come by. Or maybe she's too nice. Sadly, people who are too nice are often taken for granted and people usually fall in love with someone who's a little nasty.

I've always thought that I would get a younger girlfriend because I'm childish and maybe we'll suit each other more. Perhaps I'm wrong, her being 4 years younger than me, I kinda feel that I've a lot to share with her that she doesn't know of and is interested in listening, but she doesn't have much to share with me as whatever she has experienced, I already know. Furthermore I find myself having the urge to change her in certain ways. If it's love, you would accept the person for who she is and may even be influenced by her but that's not happening.

I'm not getting any younger and my parents and friends have been asking when am I gonna get a girlfriend. However I'm not jumping into a relationship for all the wrong reasons other than truly loving the person. It wouldn't be fair for her. Now I must think of a way to reject her properly so that our friendship will not be affected. Relationships can be such a chore. Hmm, I do hope one day I can meet the right person. (sounding a little desperate.) Haha, or maybe I'll stay single all my life as falling in love became such a difficult thing to do after being hurt before. Glad this blog is around for me to express my feelings, I've always wanted to talk about relationship issues with a friend, but don't know to whom.

1 dollar

Played Mahjong at my place yesterday with G3 bros! The game took damn long as the same person keeps winning when he's zhuang. At first I lost like shit, almost everything, haha. But after a great meal break outside, lady luck started to shine on me again, and with a few "man tai" wins I managed to earn a 1 dollar profit in the end! hahaha what a surprise! It was a great game nonetheless, totally relieved my boredom for the day. Monotony starts to settle into my life and filling it up, nothing much to do leh. :/

Hello Sun!

I made friends with the sun again! Had been going outdoors for roller blading on thurs and kayaking on sat! Glad to have my tan back :) Jurong Lake is finally opened for kayaking, haha but of course it isn't as nice as Mac Ritchie but the kayak rental there was only 7 dollars now with my new water venture card so it's pretty worth it. The kayaking area was quite small though with all the ugly HDB blocks spoiling the view. Haha but overall the chinese garden and japanese garden still have their charms, especially the latter, felt quite out of Singapore there. Gonna get sun kissed more often with more outdoor plans for the remaining months! Some of them include, rock climbing, wind surfing, forest grand course and kite flying! Hope they work out well. For now I just wanna stay away from art and design for a while, need some time to recharge and feel inspired again.

I was looking at my old entries from 2009 onwards, have been quite alot of emo entries and I must admit I really feel down quite often. When is this all time low going to end once and for all, zzz. Sure there are happy times, but they always seem to be overshadowed and gobbled up by this menacing negativity that always lurk in my mind, not long after. I've been fighting this inner voice which had been telling me that I sucked and maybe I'm better off dead than being a burden to this world. Sometimes images of different ways of suicide will flash past my mind with the most often being slitting of wrist, I'll just imagine it being cut. But I know I won't really do it, I know that I can fight it and I'll be strong, at least a part of me still wants to live on, still naively believing that there is such thing as happily ever after. But that aside, I guess I'll figure out the meaning to life one day, it's just the matter of time.

Yay Monday!

Never been so excited about mondays! I am free!!!! :D Officially done with NTU and ADM and I'm free from it for the next half a year, how great can that be! :D The past week had been hell, studying for art history exam followed by chionging my comic submission. I really salute comic artists man, this project nearly killed me. The days of staring at the computer and painstakingly rendering the illustrations are finally over and here it is!

Open publication - Free publishing - More adm480

My new life begins today, 23rd May 2011! I have decided maybe I shall not work this summer break unless it's a 1 or 2 day kinda job that comes knocking at my door automatically. Perhaps I'll use the time to find back the vitality to life again. Shall take up some holiday courses, spend time with mother nature, catch up with friends, clear up my thoughts and the mess left over in my life, etc. for the remaining 1 month plus I've in Singapore. I'm quite excited about what has to come!

shadows of the past

Feel that I should blog more though I'm very lazy. Maybe I should jot things down in case one day I really can't remember what happened, haha.But it's always good to look back down memory lane in future.

Semester is coming to an end and it's really a wise choice taking just 5 subjects. Towards the end I really feel less stress and all, just 1 more submission and exam to go. Although in mid sem I must say stress has really taken it's toll on me. Almost gone crazy that I skipped sch for the entire week. Felt like quitting then, haven't hated school that much. Thereafter I Skipped school whenever I feel like it. Most importantly it to be happy right, life isn't all about grades and school work.

My 23rd birthday passed, and I received one of the best present ever. I can't believe someone I barely know would actually do something so sincere for me. I teared a little when I received the gift, didn't know what I have done to deserve that. But well, I'm really thankful. I must say birthdays aren't as fun as they used to be as I'm getting older and older. I guess it's really time to grow up both mentally and physically. :p

I watched several movies and among them are 2 super awesome ones!

This movie makes me realize Rio is such a beautiful place, makes me wanna go there and I yearn for a holiday even more. Feel good movie with an awesome soundtrack! :D

This one feels like Inception but less cheem and there's added romance too which makes it such a great show! I have always loved time-related sci fi movies such as butterfly effect and inception, and this one is no exception. Love the part near the end when times just froze and everyone was so happy, living in that moment, even if it were to be their last, it doesn't matter. Have you ever lived in a moment and felt that after that you can die without having any regrets?

I finally visited Marina Barrage, it's so pretty in the evening, like some kind of fantasy world. Illuminated kites were flying everywhere and together with the magical colors of the evening, it feels like I have entered another realm.

These 2 kites reminded me of the star evangeline and the firefly from the princess and the frog. haha

I have recently revamped my online portfolio, adding the past year works.

click here!

I have been wondering if my dream to become an artist is such a good idea after all. Maybe I should find a stable job and lead a stable life like most people do. Suddenly have this thinking of signing on to the SAF, lol and shave botak because the weather is so freaking hot nowadays!

reason to believe

I am back.

I'm starting to feel confused about life, so what is there more to live out?

Every direction seems to lead to a dead end now and I'm wondering what will become of me and what do I really seek in life. I thought I've always wanted something, and as long as there is this my life would be complete and all so happy. Right now everything seems to be there, but there's just something missing and I'm still unhappy. I hesitated, halted and can't seem to move forward anymore.

And when I'm lost and emo, there's only Sum 41's songs to keep me company. Their new album is really awesome, totally reflects my feeling.

Maybe I just need some time to figure things out, and find the reason to believe again. Hopefully the upcoming trip will help.

hibernating

Last post before my blog hibernates.

Omg, this is once again another stressful semester, and it gotta be worse since at the very start, it already feels like end of semester workload, and even though i'm taking one less module than last sem. Someone kill me pls. :(

But anw, this year star wars was damn exciting and at the end i manage to get all the modules i wanted. Graphic storytelling and painting and i love them, soooo much more interesting than my vis comm modules. :D CNY doesn't feel that much like CNY cuz i've to stay at home to do work, na bei. It kinda isn't my year for gambling too, have been on a losing streak since the start of 2011, lol.

Oh and I'm going to Australia in July for one whole semester! weeee haha i can't wait to see all the dolphins, sea lions, koala bears and kangaroos! Finally a getaway from s'pore and ntu and a chance to sit on the aeroplane! I can't wait man, I can't wait to see the world out there! I'm like trapped in this small small island country for so damn long, like frog in a well. lol For that I'm postponing my braces, though my family keeps discouraging me to make braces, but still feel like doing it after I come back. :p

Okay, that's about it, hope I survive this merciless semester in ntu! Goodbye bloggy!

Cookies

My first cookie baking experience was such a failure! haha. Suddenly decided to try since I found my toaster oven and I always thought that baking is therapeutic to the soul. My parents were so against it and keep saying things to put me down, like I know how to bake meh, sure create a mess and stuff like that. lol but I went ahead to do it stubbornly.

Here's that batter which I made following the recipe. Mixing the batter with bare hands is quite gross actually, I finally know how it feels like to have butter fingers. haha

Started to bake! Given such a small toaster oven I have, I can only make about 3 at a time, which took damn long. Temperature is another thing and the butter melts easily when it's too high, when it's too low it doesn't bake. Overall, the cookies become chao da too easily. Damn, my first few tries turn out to taste like cake. Jin advised me to bake longer but can't as the edges started to turn black. Later I found out why, I didn't add enough flour, that's why the butter melts easily and thus soft.

I manage to feel 1 container with my masterpieces, most of them chao da. lol. After that I'm still left with a huge portion of cookie mix but I got lazy. I realize baking needs alot of patience which I didn't have and I soon got sian of it and decided to throw the rest away. What a waste, but let that be a lesson that I've no baking talents. :p Well, at least my cookies tasted not bad if you cut away those chao da parts, lol. Initially I wanted to share it with friends, but think with my standard, better not. :p

I read my past blog entries today. Time really flies man, sec sch seems like just yesterday. It was quite amusing looking at how I blogged in sec school. The annoying ah beng way of typing with big and small letters, adding lots of x and s at the back of words, having lots of dot dot dots, writing in super broken english and mixing lotsa han yu pin yin, it was such a chore reading them. lol Then in JC I realised I complaint the most, lots and lots of ramblings about a levels and life and the people. Then came all the emo writings after army. I also looked back at friendster! haha. And I found out I was actually once that close to some friends in the past, but now they're as good as strangers. Such a pity. Haha I've decided to to post some pics of me over the years here, kinda interesting looking at the changes.

2003

2004

2005

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

2 0 1 1

2010 went by in a blink. It wasn't as full of ups and downs as 2009 but it sure was a stressful year. University live drains all the energy out of me making me age much faster. :( Nothing out of the ordinary really happened and life still goes on.

Spent the festive season with my sec school pals. Really glad that they're still around after all these years.

X-mas eve- tron/astons/monopoly deal with sec sch bros.

Welcomed 2011 with SMAC at judy's place.

We were greeted by her hyper dog who ran around biting everyone's toes and freaking all the girls out. But still, Kiki is damn cute!

We had a wholesome and romantic steamboat dinner at her balcony, followed by mahjong. Sure was a great gathering to start the year!

Then came the trip to KL to visit HH with Nah and gang. It was like a 4 day-route march as we walked and walked non-stop. Especially the first and last day, when we travelled with our luggage, almost died. Reminded me of 2 years ago at the same place I was all full of energy, running around and still can go shopping on my own when the rest were tired. I must admit that I'm old :((. We stayed at HH's house and his family are really nice people. Tried public transport and got to experience life in KL.

Next was Genting and it was great! I so miss the cooling weather above the clouds. And for the first time I'm there, the weather was good enough for all the rides to operate! Man, the rides were thrilling, especially the roller coaster and the free fall. I'm so proud of myself I dared to try free fall after all the scary stories people told me. haha. The night came and it was casino time. It was my first time there but I forgot to bring any identity cards and was quite worried that I won't be allowed in as I don't look like a convincing adult. My first entry was indeed rejected as the guy asked for my I/C. We tried again at another entrance, this time I acted damn fierce, walked confidently past all the security guards and success! I deserve an oscar man. haha. Though in the end we only played the jackpot which cheated all our money, as the bids for the table games were too high, still it was quite an experience to venture around the casino.

The rest of the trip was back in KL. I must say it's really not much difference from Singapore for being so city-like. I hope to go to more nature loving places next time, hope my exchange application will be successful as I really wanna go to Australia. :D

I came back for NTU star wars and in the end only got all the shit modules that nobody wants. zzz damn sian. School is starting real soon, I haven't even tasted holiday enough. Finally set my body clock to a healthy one and limited my comp usage, I don't want all these to be taken away. Also, I've learnt to enjoy doing household chores in this short break and I didn't know it could bring me so much contentment.

the lost innocence

My first attempt of portrait painting on wood with acrylic. :) This was started during summerbreak but only managed to complete it recently.

I hued the final painting to suit the title. Love this old sephia effect :D

Holidays are boring and i miss childhood.

hello again!

I AM BACK!

SO IS MY BLOG! haha

I finally got the time and this shall be a really long entry :)

It had been one hell-crazy semester in school! Stress like fuck! But I'm so glad I survived!! hahaha Almost got buried alive by the outrageous amount of school work. Lots of suay things happened towards the end.

The worst one was my toes being rolled over by a car! It happened when I just alighted from my dad's car and getting my stuff out. I haven't even closed the door and all of a sudden my dad drove! And the next moment the tyre was on my toes! I shouted for him to stop but anxiety got the better of him as the car continue to drive 4ward till the whole weight of the car with 3 people was on my toe! That was one of the most painful moment man, even past incidents like knocking through the balcony glass door, plucking wisdom tooth, etc can't be compared to this as I scream like a crazy man. Damn pai seh lar, but the unbearable pain caused me to react this way. Luckily a kind uncle came to help, and together with my dad they managed to lift the car up. I saw lots of students standing there watching, which makes me wonder did they just saw it or they saw it long ago but just stood and watch? It would be quite sad if it was the latter, what has the world become? :( At that moment I really thought my toes crashed and sure got blood and all. It was quite traumatizing. But I was lucky, the toe just looked really swollen. I was rushed to the hospital after that 4 xray and sat on a wheelchair for the very 1st time. So drama, haha immediately I feel I was teleported to the Philippines as I was greeted by the nurses. Fortunately for my strong little toe, it got away with no fractures and just swellings. Dad had been really nice to me after the incident, lol, buying me macs breakfast and promising iphone4. :p And one other thing that I realize, all these suay things happened whenever I da bao food for people! Well, the chinese saying 好人难当 is so true! haha

I watched the best movie of the year, Disney's Rapunzel! The visuals were stunning and first time in a 3d disney animation, the characters appear so beautiful! Really love the soundtrack too, glad to hear Mandy Moore once again! And at the part whereby Rapunzel finally see the lights, and her song played, it was the most touching of all and makes me wanna cry.

The end of sem show just ended and I'm glad some of my works got displayed. It was a pity I didn't get to see the show, I thought they would leave the works there for a few days but no, it got removed just after a day. And to our horror, they were treated like rubbish, all dumped into the viscomm studio messed up. There's totally shows no respect and regard for all the hard work we've put in by dumping our works around. My GD momento even got destroyed in the process and I can't find my haiku. Hopefully it's safe and I'm quite disappointed with the school.

I grew to like typography as the assignments got more interesting and I must say @ the end it certainly got more interesting than graphic design although the workload is hell. Here are some of the works I'm really proud of. :)

Grey, first major type assignment.

Photo collage assignment about joo chiat road, fun! :)

Haiku, final project. I really like the haiku I've chosen. It kinda reflects how I feel about the new day now.

Morning or mourning,

the day that dawns bring new grief.

First light, then shadow.

Process book + letter journal - to document the whole sem's work

This almost killed me as I chose to document my work into a comic book. It had always been my dream to draw a comic book, although this is a somewhat simplified version as i didn't really draw much and used alot of repetitive images in order to make up for the lack of time, still it really feels great and accomplished! Oh and it costs me a bomb too. I realise i'm really not accustomed to using the wacom tablet, needa spend some more time figuring it out. The size i bought too small le, regrets. :[

Next up, the Graphic Design works.

This sem I feel I didn't really do that well here as I spent most of my time in type 1. Hmm hopefully next time will do better :)

Momentos brochure and momento- final project

Here is my graphic design momento, about me as a designer. One of my more experimental works as I tried out different materials. Too bad it got destroyed. :(

Advanced drawing works:

I could have done better here. Hope that I can learn more in the upcoming figurative painting class :)

Stop Motion works:

Say hello to Mr Chillee! Somehow this sem I'm kinda angsty and I keep getting the idea of incorporating chillies into my works, which I did here and in graphic design. haha this is my first stop motion puppet made using foam, cute right? It was initially a fierce and scary looking monster. After I gave him cute specs, organic slippers and leafy brows, he got more friendly :D

Finally my stop mo final project, a group work.

Kinda quarreled with my team members for this, which made me quite reluctant to do group work next time. Pair work is the best, I really had lotsa fun teaming up with qi to do the helvetica presentation. Randomness rocks! Here is the uncut version of the video we made.

I am so glad all this madness is temporarily over as a short holiday awaits. But for now I'm still staring at this holiday, clueless of what to do. Suddenly, there isn't anything to look forward to anymore. I still can't wait to get out of this country to go for exchange, but I've to go through another hellish semester first. :( Hmm, I'm kinda filled with negativity nowadays, always thinking of the pessimistic. Will Mr Santa Claus please bring me some joy this x'mas? :o